The Long Road of Forgiveness

Forgiveness has been a central theme in my personal journey — learning to forgive myself every time I raised my voice at my son, and learning to forgive others who have caused me pain.

It has never been easy.

For a long time, I tried to see everyone in my life as a teacher. The painful interactions, the relationships that broke me open — they were not just random misfortunes, but milestones. They taught me the necessity of setting boundaries, the importance of learning to love myself, and the strength it takes to express my own needs without guilt.

When I viewed life through this lens, even the most painful experiences became valuable sources of learning. They hurt, yes — deeply — but they also shaped me. However, among all of life’s challenges, forgiveness has been the most difficult of all.

Yearning for Connection

I often longed for closeness, for harmony, for connection. So when relationships broke — especially with people I loved deeply — the pain was almost unbearable. And even more unbearable was my inability to fully forgive, despite my desire to do so.

I tried everything: Meditation, Journaling, Rituals — writing letters, burning them, burying them, Ceremonies to release and let go.

Sometimes these practices helped — temporarily. But that tight knot of resentment or sadness would return again and again. And then, the inner critic (the shadow side of the Lover) would appear: “Why can’t you forgive? Why are you still holding on? Haven’t you grown enough yet?”

I judged myself harshly — not only for my pain, but for not being able to "transcend" it. I craved peace, and I also wanted to prove that I was spiritually evolved enough to let it all go.

Looking back, I see now how deeply unkind that was to myself.

The Warrior’s Truth: Boundaries and Liberation

In Somatic Experiencing, we speak of the body's innate wisdom — the felt sense of safety, or danger, of contraction or release. Forgiveness cannot be forced. If the body is not ready to release a wound, no spiritual ideal will make it happen.

This teaches us: To respect our timing, to honor our nervous system, to defend our inner space until we are truly ready to open again.

Sometimes, forgiveness requires deep emotional cycles: rage, grief, longing, disappointment, numbness — and we must move through them all. Not once, but many times. And that is okay.

I had to learn that forgiveness is not a spiritual performance. It is not a checkbox, or proof of awakening. It is a body-led, soul-led, deeply human process.

Pema Chödrön wrote: “There is a simple practice we can do to cultivate forgiveness. First, we acknowledge what we feel—shame, revenge, embarrassment, remorse. Then we forgive ourselves for being human. Then, in the spirit of not wallowing in the pain, we let go and make a fresh start. We don’t have to carry the burden with us anymore. We can acknowledge, forgive, and start anew.” (Chödrön, 2010)

This quote shifted something in me. It reminded me that self-forgiveness must come first. And that real forgiveness — towards others — must emerge naturally, not from force.

The Long Journey to Forgiving My Father

My process of forgiving my father was perhaps the longest. Our relationship carried so much pain and complexity. But after years of inner work — including many emotional relapses — I can now say: I have forgiven him.

Not because I "should," but because my body is no longer holding the old story. Because the child in me feels seen.

Today, I see him as a teacher — not a villain. That shift came not from effort, but from time, patience, and healing.

If You are Struggling with Forgiveness…

Please do not rush yourself. You are not failing. You are not broken. Forgiveness is not a single act. It is a sacred process — emotional, cyclical, and somatic.

Give yourself space. Give yourself grace. And trust that when your soul is ready, the release will come.

Not as a performance, but as a quiet, profound return to yourself.

References:

CHÖDRÖN, Pema (2010) Comfortable with Uncertainty - 108 Teachings on Cultivating Fearlessness and Compassion. London: SHAMBHALA PUBLICATIONS, p.99